A promise to my craft

Yesterday I made a vow to fall in love with writing again. It was that simple. The same precise thought that knocked me out of this no-man’s land where words were concerned, I scribbled at the top of my diary and unlike a lot of the other literature that I write down, this note was engraved with the conviction that many others had lacked. You may be wondering what prompted this change in thought or what lead me to fall out of love in the first place, well you wouldn’t be alone in that because I’ve been reflecting on this for some time and was fearful that maybe it wouldn’t return. On that basis, I think it’s time that I attempted to recount what lead to this gradual disinterest and document it. Hopefully it explains why I’ve been so absent on my blog so accept this post as an apology and rest assured I’m doing everything I can to ensure it won’t happen again.

Time

In July of this year, I graduated with my much deserved 2:1 in Journalism and although I wanted it, I was more shocked than anyone when I saw it appear online. My last year began with nothing but stress when student finance failed to pay my maintenance loan for a whole semester and ironically got it to me the day before my landlord was about to evict me. Needless to say, it was resolved and I could relax (sort of) but nothing could prepare me for the shock of third year work being hurled at me from all directions. Essays, presentations, and the big D – dissertation, which by the way I completely ruined at the last minute and was just minutes away from being late on an extension. I thought I would be more concerned at the fact that I submitted it incomplete but I was zapped of all energy. So you can imagine that in the midst of my chaos, blogging was the first thing that got abandoned but I expected that once uni was over the urge to start writing would return pretty much instantaneously…I couldn’t have been more wrong.

Pressure

All graduates go through it and probably most twenty-somethings with the negative influences of our society as a whole, and what I mean by that is the inaccurate belief that every other person in your network is doing something amazing and therefore your achievements and life as a whole is s*** in comparison. For many of us there’s a constant pressure to conform whether that be in your morals and behaviour, clothing, social activities or what you’re doing professionally at the time. I disregarded all of my fabulousness and let myself become misguided with false presentations of everyone else seemingly enjoying a contrived social life with a Drake-inspired YOLO attitude to match, meanwhile travelling the world, setting up their own projects blah blah and put so much pressure on myself because of it. Suddenly I wasn’t doing enough and writing wasn’t enough. It wasn’t going to get me noticed or paid fast enough so what was the point?

Fear

I’ve always been a big dreamer and the thought of being what I deem to be ‘normal’ is scary in my mind because I’ve grown up being normal. In the same breath that paralysed me and my creativity because so much was now riding on it. I became that much more critical of everything I did professionally – unhelpfully critical. There’s this perception of media professionals, especially journalists that they’re icy, unapologetic and don’t have the time for anyone so how do you break that and get into the industry? University very much keeps you inside a bubble where you speak about securing your first graduate role and the x amount of options that are open to you but just the thought of taking it upon yourself to get going, left me feeling inadequate and fearful. Is my work good enough to freelance? I’ve graduated in journalism but do I have the right to call myself a journalist? Is my work experience even relevant now? Am I a journalist or a writer? – I don’t regard them as the same. Again, the logical answer to my uncertainty would have been to just write something to get over the writer’s block but I’d allowed the confidence in my ability to get lost somewhere in my head of disabling thoughts.

When I first set out to do this blog, I actually didn’t have the intention of it being such a tell-all piece or to sound like a diary entry but there’s actually an irony in that very outcome. The one thing I’ve always admired about writing is being able to express yourself so frankly and I’m drawn to literature that’s equally as honest. I suppose stage one of my quest to fall back in love with my own words is complete.

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Comments
One Response to “A promise to my craft”
  1. planetloveli says:

    Wow, I love it. Straight from the heart, I identified with everything you said! Especially the bit about pressure, always watching what everyone else is doing and feeling inadequate in comparison, it’s enough to make you curl up and die with self pity. Keep at it girl!

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